Guilt is real and it sucks

What is guilt? As children we are taught the difference between right and wrong. Our conscience tells us when we have made a mistake. I remember when I was unkind to someone I would get a pit in my stomach. I knew that what I was doing unkind. Some would categorize this feeling as guilt. I needed to make a change and do better. This innate guilt or conscience, that I personally believe comes from our Creator, allows us to become better humans. It is what sparks change and prompts us to recognize deep set error in humanity.

But there is a new type of guilt that society has allowed to root deep into our culture. It is a guilt that comes from comparison, of feelings of inadequacy, of not measuring up to some invisible standard that society has placed on us or worse, we are choosing to impose upon ourselves. Have a thriving career, maintain a home, workout, have happy, crazy busy kids, and an equally happy and successful spouse and marriage, and by the way volunteer, run for local political office, and be active in your church and community. This idea of perfectionism or “I can or should” be able to do it all is dangerous. The list slowly transforms into an unhealthy equation of A+ B+ C+ D+ E+ Infinity = happiness! Success!

WHAT?! Why are so many people trying to meet this insane standard of perceived prosperity and joy?

Guilt starts to show it nasty face when we feel we are failing in one of these areas. Where we feel we need to do more. Be more. Mix in a chronic pain or a mental illness and guess what… we simply CANNOT do more with out suffering more.

I experienced mom guilt the moment my oldest child was born. Of course someone could do this better than me. I was a newbie. But it was nothing in comparison to what I felt when I spent a month in bed unable to raise my arms above my head and pick up my youngest. I couldn’t bathe my kids, feed or dress them. I was their mom. I couldn’t meet their basic needs. Grandma and daddy were not only their source for basic needs, but entertainment, cuddles when they fell down or were sad. Mom guilt was my constant companion. It lingered with me deep inside my bones. At times in those early days of my pain, I often asked the Lord if perhaps it would be better if He brought me home and Brad remarried a good woman who could actually care for my kids. The adversary used mom guilt to push me into a lagoon of depression.

With counseling, lots of personal scripture study and prayer, and the support of close family and friends I learned to focus on what I could do. That has changed depending on the season of my illness. I have learned when I need to rest and when I can be of service. I have also had to be honest about what to let go of in my life in order to have the energy to do the things I love with the people I love.

In Mosiah 4:27 we are reminded: “See that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.” (Book Of Mormon)

In Ecclesiastes 3:1-7:

1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,

4a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

6a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak. (Ecclesiastes, Holy Bible, NIV)

After 8 years I solemnly swear that I still have NOT mastered these principles that I am going to share with you. It is hard to not want to do and be everything that we once were. But I promise that if you follow the steps below you will begin to honor your body and mind’s current season and energy. You will find a renewed ability to release the guilt that has taken up permanent residence in your spirit.

Four Steps to Purposeful Activity

#1 Identify who and what is most important.

The constant yet often ignored truth of life is that our energy, physical and emotional, is finite. We, as human beings, cannot continue to expect ourselves to perform at unprecedented standards of productivity in and out of our homes. When you mix in physical and mental illness, the precious resource that is our energy must be meticulously siphoned to only the people and activities that matter the most and bring the greatest joy. In hindsight, this is one of the greatest blessings of my illness. I am so acutely aware of the things that truly matter and the people that need me the most.

Take a hard look at your life. This can be a painful process because we fill our lives with good things. We don’t want to let good things go. Consider not what is good but what is best and most important. Be honest with yourself. Consult with your spouse and your children. First, WHO are the most important people in your life. Rank them in categories. The most important categories of people get your best energy. Simple as that.

Next, identify the activities that HAVE to be done AND the ones that bring joy. Then start to brainstorm about ways to outsource and make the activities that HAVE to be done more simple so they do not use up too much energy.

I am super organized and love a clean house. A clean house keeps me calm and collected. I used to have a very detailed cleaning schedule and I enjoyed it. I know I am weird. I miss deep cleaning my house but I have had to let a lot of that go and turn it over to my husband and kids as they have gotten older. I have learned to plan left over nights once a week and not stress over chicken nuggets or mac-n-cheese for dinner occasionally. Mom-guilt would invade my thoughts over those things in the past but the important thing is my kids are getting fed and we aren’t eating out again. And I get to rest. Win. Win. Focus on who and what is important. Make those lists and be really clear about where you want to spend your energy.

#2 Be realistic about needs vs. wants.

Now that you know who and what gets your energy it will be time to start saying No. Let’s practice it now. Say it with me: No. You can say it nicely: “I wish I had the time and energy to devote to it but I just don’t. ” This is truth right here, y’all. This has been the hardest thing for me to do. As an extrovert, I like to be involved, especially at my kids’ school. I finally had to walk away from PTO leadership after my husband and I had so many arguments when I would be down for days after an event. I LOVED being involved but it took a toll on my health and my family afterwards that was not fair to them or to me.

Be realistic about what you need to do vs what you want to do. You want to be involved in your kids’ school. They need you to be available for homework or to talk about the kid bullying them, or the boy they have a crush on. You want to plan the church Christmas party but you need to spend time with your grandkids when they come over to make cookies? Can you REALLY do both? Can you volunteer for one activity or bring a dish to share at the Christmas party instead? Can you go on one field trip instead of volunteering every month? Get creative. Taking care of you is a need. Being there for your family is a need. All the rest is a want. Make commitments accordingly.

Once you make those commitments set yourself up for success. If you know you have a day coming up that is going to be more draining than usual, plan a day or 2 of rest before and after. Learning to bookend important events, like anniversary trips, holidays, and travel days on vacations, with days of rest, have made ALL the difference in my ability to enjoy and also be useful on the day of the activity. Do not excuse this as a luxury; it is a necessity.

#3 Always have a plan b.

As the Scottish Proverb reminds us: “The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry” (To A Mouse, Burns, 1786) Never is this more true than to those of us who suffer with chronic illness. A pain flare can be triggered at any moment. A hard day may spur a bout of anxiety or depression for someone dealing with mental illness. But having a plan b can ease some anxiety. I always know who can volunteer in my place last minute. If I signed up to bring food, I will plan to prep everything the night before; but guess what y’all? Store bought does the job too. The organizers just want enough food to feed everyone. Who can pick up0 carpool if you are having an off day? Is your sister willing to host if you wake up with a migraine? Don’t worry if you think someone is going to roll their eyes or think less of you. I KNOW this is hard. But have a back up plan. Know your people and your resources. Plan, hope, and pray for the best. But prepare for the times when your body or mind may fail you. It is going to happen sometimes. Not every time. But sometimes. Being prepared will lessen the sting.

If your child is involved in the activity that you need to not attend last minute, expect disappointment and validate their feelings. It is normal for them to be angry, sad, or worse: expecting that you would have to cancel AGAIN. That one has happened to me. That is like a knife in the heart being twisted over and over. What CAN you do in the moment? Can you watch a movie or play cards in bed? Order in their favorite pizza? Make a new plan to replace the new activity and figure out what you need to do to be able to show up. Chronic pain may limit us but is does not have to delete us from the lives of those we love.

#4 Release guilt and relax.

Hopefully, once you have built a true pattern of distributing your energy to the people and activities that truly bring joy you will learn to release the guilt and relax.

Releasing guilt may take on various forms depending on your personality. Meditation, prayer, journaling, counseling, focusing on what you can do, being part of a like-minded community, and personal growth can all aid in your journey to releasing guilt. You do not have to do all the things you once did in your home or in your community. You may need to change your career path. I did. When our health and energy changes, our expectations of ourselves have to as well. Let’s be honest, they were ridiculously high to begin with weren’t they?

Releasing guilt also means honoring the body’s need to rest. Not just physical rest. But true, deep, emotional and spiritual rest. Chronically ill patients are in such desperate need of this rest. We have to plan for it or it will not happen. Especially after major events or even long days, give yourself the beautiful gift of rest.

I never knew compression socks, a heating pad for my back and my body pillow after a long day could bring so much joy to my soul. I long for those quiet moments in bed. Sometimes I feel the need for those things at 1 pm and I take an hour in between laundry and writing. Learn to release that feeling of needing to do more or be more. Just rest. God will make up the difference. He gently beckons:

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matt 11:28-30; Holy Bible, KJV)

I am still learning this right alongside you. But this I do know. You are enough. You are doing enough. Your illness, your pain, your struggle- does not change the fact that you have a purpose here on earth. It simply changes HOW you will accomplish that purpose. Trust in your purpose first. Focus on what you CAN do and on what is most important. Let the guilt go. There is no room for it here. Only love for God, for others and for YOU, friend, who He so perfectly and beautifully made!

There is a conversation happening on Instagram, or you can include your answer in the comments, based on this question. I would love to use it for future writing to bless others.

How do you deal with feelings of inadequacy or guilt when illness or circumstances prohibit you from doing more?